ABC Karen's Diary

2006-05-10T20:53:00.000-07:00

You would think the good people at Blogger would actually enable comments when they fucking say they will. Especially for an ex-comatose ABC Message Board moderator like myself. Wankers.

2006-05-10T20:46:00.000-07:00

My mom said I should turn on comments on this blog. So I did. Now I'm going to take a nap, even though my colored midget doctor says it might be a bad idea, considering.

2006-05-10T19:42:00.000-07:00

ookkkay, iiim a little shaky here, cause my fingers have kind of rubberized after this lasssst coma. my doccctor says i will slowly get the feeling back in my digits but that just made me cry cause what do I care about algebra now?

Hang on, you know something, he might be right. It IS getting a little easier to type. Cool.

Let me tell you, it was pretty weird waking up from a one-plus-year coma. First of all, my underwear was all baggy (I'm pretty sure it wasn't the underwear I came in with, and I'm honestly not sure if that's a good or bad thing) and there was a fairly grimy-looking tube hanging out of my privates. No cameras, please!

Anyway, I managed to dial the phone next to my bed and called my mom at what's-his-name's house, not even thinking I might have forgotten the number but obviously I didn't. When she answered and I said it was me, the poor thing passed out like Helen Hunt in Castaway. So cute.

My new doctor is single. He's from somewhere in Europe like India or Hindiland and reminds me of a what would happen if you took a young George Harrison and made him like a raisin. He has the cutest hands, with really white palms the way monkeys do. More later, cause here comes my glycerol thingee and I can't type on my stomach...

2005-01-04T11:40:00.000-08:00

Well, that really sucked! I've just now woken up from a coma induced by my HMO orthopedist. It's kind of nice to have missed that much work but my knees have somehow fused together. I guess I wasn't raped like that chick from Kill Bill, which is, I suppose, a good thing.

Anyway, my new orthopedist is going to separate my knees later on today, so hopefully I'll be back at work at ABC in a week or two. In the meantime, if I'm conscious, I'll do my best to keep this blog going. If not I'll probably just let my arms lie loosely at my sides.

2004-08-17T09:55:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've decided to go ahead and get the braces--the works; teeth, back, knee, neck and ankle. I hope ABC lets me work for two weeks on a gurney because apparently I won't be able to move anything but my cervix until they take off the plaster. My boyfriend, Max (did I mention I'm seeing someone!!!) says that he'd like to date while I'm laid up--then I found out he meant date OTHER GIRLS. What a shmuck.

So tomorrow I see my orthopedic surgeon. I hate him, he's got bad breath and his fingers are all sticky. Plus when he puts me under to check my pelvis I always wake up with my shoes on backwards. What's up with that? That's the last time I use a doctor in ABC's crappy HMO.

2004-04-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

So, I just discovered that I got my period. Like, yesterday. I really have to pay more attention. It's just that my mind has been absolutely turned inside out by the new Kill Bill movie. I mean, I saw the first one and HATED IT. My girlfriend and I thought since it had Lucy Liu it would be a good girls-kicking-guys-asses movie but halfway through it was all girls-killing-girls and getting raped, I mean mostly, and I didn't like the old-time music and what's with all the Asians?

So anyway DON'T ASK why I saw the new one and I think that might have been when my period started. Or maybe later at the club. Anyway, I just noticed it.

Guys, if you're reading this you WOULDN'T understand, would they, gals?

2004-04-20T14:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've been out of town getting my liposuction reversed and I get back to my desk and there are, like 276 e-mails from Don, the guy from the park that weekend. So I start to answer them but then I just skip to the last one and ask him if he ever left his wife.

And you know what, he answers me back right away. He says that he is leaving his wife this weekend so he wants to meet and I think he's lying, of course, but I say fine.

We meet up at Cafe Loup and of course the first thing he says is not to pronounce the fucking P for Chrissakes, you fat cunt, and of course that kind of thing always puts me in a damper for a few minutes.

So once he apologizes and I pay the bill it's too late to go to my place so we end up back in the park over by the baseball fields and he does that thing he likes to do while I pretend to tie my shoes.

Why can't I meet a nice guy?

2004-02-27T11:30:00.000-08:00

So, guess what? I got FIRED TODAY.

Just kidding. Actually Brenda from HR came by with my W-2 'cause it had been returned as undeliverable. "You can't be homeless and work here," she said. "Ha Ha" I said. She's always hated me since the time I called in sick and couldnt' stop laughing the whole time.

So I got on the scale and guess what? Nothing. The scale didn't move. The needle didn't move a muscle, or whatever scales have. I thought maybe I was dead then I realized it wasn't a scale it was a cereal box.

So when I found the real scale I didn't get on. Why be depressed?

Last night I met a guy with a ring in his nose and it was the first time I though, OK, I could date a guy with a ring in his nose but it turned out it was a key ring and he'd just passed out on the bar. I never got his number. Sigh.

2004-02-18T11:20:00.000-08:00

Well, I flew home to see my Mom and Dad last week and it was AWFUL. They'd finally let Krissy move into my room and she'd painted it and put up all these Animal Planet posters.

Mom asked me if I had been fitted for my 'diagram' yet and I had to tell her for about the fiftieth time, 'Yuck, no!'

Then Molly came by with her twins. The boy's head is nearly the right shape now but I think I messed up when I asked if he had a hard time sleeping on a pillow...

So of course I did run into Paul at Shakey's, with his wifey and brats. He pretended not to notice me but one of his fat little toddlers must have radar or something and waddled over and barfed right on my shoe!

His wife was very nice but I couldn't help but notice she is NEVER going to lose any of that weight.

He looked good, though, even with the glass eye.

2004-02-17T11:15:00.000-08:00

So I get to work and guess what? Phil, the guy who changes the toner cartridges? He's left me flowers.

He's very sweet but he has the harelip and the kind of fangy eye teeth like Spike has in Buffy, but not nearly as hot as Spike is.

So we talk for awhile and then Francine (my boss-from-Hell) comes over and makes me tell her for the 80th time how to syncronize her Palm Pilot.

When I got back Phil was gone and his cubemate says he left for the day.

I wiped out all of Francine's address book, too. I hate it here.

When I got home last night I found my roommate's boyfriend alone in our apartment. Uh-oh. Not cool.

He was very nice but it was clear from the word go that he was drunk. He said she had gone out to get some cigarettes but she doesn't smoke, so I assumed they had a fight.

We made some small talk and then he started getting grabby and everything. I was tempted (does this make me terrible????) but in the end I told him firmly no, and he laughed and took off.

I stayed home and looked for Anthony, my tabby, who apparently got let out the fire escape.

I found him at one a.m., covered with Chinese food.

Okay, so I have this personal problem. I have a lump in my neck.

It's a fibroid cyst but ABC's medical plan doesn't cover it, as it's a cosmetic deal, not medical. I have to wear collars all the time and everyone always asks me if I think I'm trying to be an executive or something.

I told my roommate and she said it was gross but barely noticeable. I wonder if guys notice it?

Sometimes Anthony my tabby sucks on it and purrs. Strangely, this makes me feel good.

I wish I had a boyfriend.

2004-02-16T11:14:00.000-08:00

After work last night I was kinda sad and lonely so I went to that bar in the Village with the cute guys. One of them bought me a drink and he said he was a rich bond trader, but I knew he was lying because he was wearing Dockers.

We went home to my place but Brenda had her guy in the bedroom so we had to make do with the couch. I don't know; I don't think he liked my breasts. After handling them for awhile he asked if I could please turn over.

Why do I always meet men like this? Sigh.

After we were finished he got all psycho and acted like it meant nothing to him. I told him I liked how gentle he was and he laughed and said I needed new underwear.

He left and I ate half a box of Nilla wafers and watched Lifetime. This morning I have cramps and my stomach pooches out of this new blouse.

Scott from Ad Sales stopped by, though. I like his nose ring. Wonder if I should send him an e-card. Is that, like, too doofy?

Well, I sent Scott one lousy little e-card and now Sandy says he's telling everyone he 'nailed me' last month at the off-site. What a creep.

My perfect guy would be a little bit like Forrest Sawyer and a little like Forrest Gump. Why can't I meet a guy like that in New York City? What is wrong with me?

So I go to have lunch by myself out near the little square by the Barnes and Noble and guess what? Colin is there (not Powell!). I thought he was in London but here he is, sitting and eating a hot dog with his other hand on the knee of a GUY!

The whole time we dated I thought maybe he was gay, but finding out like this almost made me cry. He didn't see me but the guy selling hot dogs did and he let me have my hot dog(s) for free.

So I get back to my desk and somebody has put this pack of condoms on my chair. I think it was Scott. I burst out crying and Angela from Web Services gives me this big box of tissues and some Midol.

Why don't I have any good girlfriends like I had back in college? Am I that unappealing that even girls don't want to be around me?

So, anyway, I took the condoms and threw them away, but ten minutes later the guard yells at me for throwing condoms in the recycling bins where the white paper is supposed to go. He's Irish and his voice is SO LOUD. I could have died...

The other day Dr. Linda said that it might be a good idea for me to go back to Ohio and see about finishing school.

"It's not everyone who can make it in the city," she said. "Maybe spend a few months with the folks before starting out on your own again. Think about it, dear."

I told her there was no way I could go back there and see Paul and his little kids and his neck brace. I'd rather die.

When the session was over I forgot to leave a check and she yelled at me in the hall by the waiting room.

I wish my HMO had better shrinks.

2004-02-11T11:09:00.000-08:00

Ouch, I still can't sit down after my 'evening' under the heat lamp. Thank goodness it's Martin Luther King day and I don't have to go into work, and can just delete messages standing here at home using my iBook.

John still hasn't called. I called the number he scribbled on my nightstand memo pad but he must have been sleepy or something because an old Hispanic lady answered and called me a 'puta', whatever THAT is. I wonder if he was put off by the rash. Men can be so picky sometimes. It's not like he had the best odor in the world, if you know what I mean. And for God's sake, I did everything I know except that 'on-top' nonsense to please him. I hope he calls.